Top 10 with Gordon and Sapphire is a fan-made episode written by Rigsrigsrigs10918, Disneydude15, CartoonLover, and Magic-is-cute.
Gordon and Sapphire do top 10 lists of movies they've seen, including the Top 10 Disappointing Films, the Top 10 Strangest Films, and the Top 10 Dumbest Captain Canine moments.
(At the printing room, Sapphire and Gordon are looking over a list.)
Sapphire: So, Gordy, what do you think?
Gordon: Very good. I think we're ready.
Sapphire: Oh! I'm so excited, I got butterflies in my stomach.
Gordon: Should I call an exterminator?
Sapphire: You make good jokes, Gordy. But, what I mean to say is that I'm kinda nervous about this episode.
Gordon: Ah, you'll be fine.
Cooler: Yo, Sapphy and Gordy, you're on in five minutes. Good luck in your new episode today.
Sapphire: Thanks, Cooler. You ready, Gordy?
Gordon: Sure am.
(5 minutes later, Sapphire and Gordon are sitting on stage as the audience applauds.)
Gordon: Welcome to today's episode of the Gordon Kirby and Sapphire Trueblood Show. I'm Gordon Kirby....
Sapphire: And I'm Sapphire Trueblood. So, Gordy, what are we going to do today?
Gordon: First, we're reviewing the Top 10 Disappointing Movies.
Sapphire: These are the ones that we were looking forward to. We saw the trailers, got really excited and after seeing the movies, we realized we just wasted a few hours of our lives.
Gordon: So, let's begin. Number ten...The Graveyard.
Sapphire: Now, this movie is scary because of how bad it is rather than how scary it is. Brought to us by the same guy who directed The Banshee, this not-so-scary horror film stars Hugh Barkman as a zombie hunter. And look at the scene where he enters.
(Sapphire plays a clip.)
Hunter(TV): Greetings. Name's Frank Rulerwater.
Sapphire: Rulerwater? What kind of last name is that?
Gordon: He also has this wimpy sidekick played Ewolf McGregor named Ralph Apronways. What is up with these last names?
Ralph(TV): Boss, are you sure about this?
Gordon: Uh, buddy, why did you take this job in the first place?
Sapphire: Anyway, most of the film is just boring conversations, lame jokes, lousy effects, and over-the-top stunts.
Gordon: And seeing how the director brought us The Banshee, a Halloween classic and won five awards for it, how could be come to this? Well if Bark Clark could bring us A New Year's Tale bring us Infant Masterminds and Dog Bluth brought us The Story of NIDA and then An Ogre in Tinley Park, I guess even a good director can bring us a bad movie. Next one.
Sapphire: Number nine...The Ultra Magic Siblings movie. We saw the trailers and we got excited. It was the Super Magic Brothers with rocket boots, flamethrowers, laser blasters, it just looked cool.
Gordon: But what we got instead is one of the worst video game based movies since the Avenue Fighter movie. First of all, did the idiots who worked on this movie ever play the video games?
Sapphire: Second, the casting is all wrong. I mean, I love Dog Hoskins and John Leashguizamo, but if you want to portray Italian characters, you should get Italian actors. Like in The Graveyard, they at least got an Italian actor, Doggy Nucci, to play the Italian character.
Gordon: Seriously, folks, Dog Hoskins and John Leashguizamo are nowhere near Italian! Tony the Artist is more Italian than these two are and he's from Italy! Third, Dennis Hounder, the villain of the film, has some of the most laughable lines in cinema history.
Sapphire: Those are the types of bad jokes you would hear in 1960's sitcoms. Correction, even 1960's sitcoms delivers better jokes than Dennis Hounder does in this movie.
Gordon: Finally, it leaves us on a cliff hanger.
Sapphire: Which means that someone stupid enough wants to make a sequel to this movie. But thankfully, the film bombed at the box-office and never made a sequel.
Gordon: Number 8 is Tim and Kerry the Movie.
Sapphire: You think that this is the Tim and Kerry Movie, you would say that it focuses more on our two heroes. Nope. A little girl comes in, along with her evil godparents, an attorney, a mad scientist, a pig, a fly, a pirate, and his sock puppet and hijack the film.
Gordon: And as a result, fans were rightfully outraged, mainly because the movie focuses more on its secondary characters than the heroes. Two words, people: false advertising. Next one.
Sapphire: Number 7: The Borax. Another attempt to bring another Dr. Goose classic to the big screen and update it.
Gordon: Now, to be fair, it's not as bad as The Rat in the Frat, there is a nice, touching moment and the animation is very nice. But it still fails to capture the spirit of Dr. Goose. And they bring in big names like Doggy DeVito, Ed Hound, and Betty Wolf.
Sapphire: The villain seems like a rejected Commander Universe villain.
Gordon: Please don't remind me of Commander Universe. By the way, I'd like to point out that the advertising campaign for this movie is a joke. I mean, seriously, this is supposed to be a movie about the Borax, but the advertising went from car dealers to restaurants and even at movie theaters. You know it's a bad sign when the advertising for this movie is laughable.
Sapphire: All right. Next one. Number 6: Walsh. This is a bio-film about the late Garrett Walsh. He was a film-maker in the 90's until his untimely death from a lung hemorrhage at the age of 42.
Gordon: We've looked him up. His work is FASCINATING. We've even seen some of his movies. These movies are for little kids, but there's a lot of dark, heavy material, but they're still appropriate for kids. Sure, they're dark, but he never goes too far. On top of that, they're funny and they're creative. And it's absolutely horrible that a person as kind, funny, and creative as him died so suddenly and without anyone around to help him. The entire world of film and TV was devastated.
Sapphire: Two years after his death, they made a movie about his life and his work with Ben Affleash playing Walsh.
Gordon: And, folks, this movie is...disgusting.
Sapphire: They think they're representing Garrett Walsh in an accurate, realistic manner? Pfft!
Gordon: After movie got released, there was immediate outrage among fans of Garrett Walsh.
Sapphire: And do you want to know who really hated this film? His family. They said it portrayed him as a sadist instead of a hard-working film-maker. In fact, his brother, Ralph Walsh, had to go on a speaking tour to remind people who Garrett really was. Don't believe us? Check out this video of one of his seminars.
(Sapphire pulls up a video of Ralph Walsh criticizing the film to an audience.)
Ralph(TV): And to think that someone would make a movie trying to cash in on the life and hard work of my brother. It sickens me, people.
Sapphire: And he's not alone. Critics all over the world hammered at this film. In the beginning, he gets fired from his job as a chemist for being reckless. In reality, he studied film, not chemistry. Also, in the film, he finishes his project, says it's gold and sends it in without consulting anyone. In reality, he actually brought in kids and their parents to view his work before he sent it to be published and if the kids or parents found anything objectionable, he would work with them to make it more appropriate. And listen to how Garrett thinks of kids in the film.
Garrett(TV): Oh, please. Their dumb little minds don't know what's good for 'em.
(Sapphire and Gordon are shocked by the cruelty of the line.)
Sapphire: That is horrible! In reality, Garrett LOVED kids. He babysat for free and went to schools to read to kids and play them. He even used some of the money his films made to buy Christmas gifts for sick and disabled kids in hospitals. He even handed out the gifts personally.
Gordon: Another things that ticks me off is the portrayal of his friend Rachel Field, who composed the music and songs for his movies. In the film, she's played by Natalie Poundman and she's in love with Garrett. But he ignores her, causing her to go into depression and leave the studio. In reality, she wasn't romantically interested in him at all. She wasn't even into males! She did leave the studio, but only for a while so she could marry her girlfriend and start her own family.
Sapphire: Now Garrett was actually in an unsuccessful relationship at one point in his life. He had a girlfriend but they didn't break up because Garrett ignored her. They got into an argument because she was overly possessive of him. So you could make a very slim argument that they combined Rachel with Garrett's ex-girlfriend, but that was still a very bad choice.
Gordon: Now, I think Ben Affleash is a very good actor and Jan de Bark brought us two good movies, Velocity and Cyclone, so I consider this film a very unfortunate bump in the road of these two admirable careers.
Sapphire: After seeing all the negative reviews, both Affleash and de Bark did issue an apology and donated the money the film made to Garrett's studio and his family.
Gordon: And I might as well say that the only decent thing in the movie is the end credits. Not because this piece of junk is over but because we're then treated to pictures and clips of Garrett's life along with the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Grobark which was Garrett's favorite song.
(Gordon and Sapphire play the tear-jerking ending credits along with clips and pictures of Garrett Walsh, ending with a dedication to him.)
Gordon: So, yeah. That was nice of them. But boy, that was a terrible, TERRIBLE film that disgustingly misrepresents a hard-working film-maker who LOVED kids, did NOT think of them as little morons, majored in FILM, NOT CHEMISTRY, DID work with test audiences, ALWAYS made sure his work was appropriate for kids but didn't insult anyone, had a LESBIAN best friend who only left the studio for a WHILE to get married and start her own family.
Sapphire: Number 5...Alexandra. This film is based on a book about a girl whose day is not a good one.
Gordon: And our day was ruined after we saw this film. First of all, the acting is too over the top. I feel like I'm watching a live action version of a cheesy cartoon.
Sapphire: Kind of like Detective Gizmo the Movie. The show was already goofy. This film was also based on a book, which is no surprise.
Gordon: Number 4...Crystal Clear Craziness. I couldn't believe the cast they got for this movie. Alec Barkwin, Justin Timberwolf, Scarlett Johowlsson, Wolf Smith, Denis Leashy, Sean Arftin, Betty Wolf, Chris Ruff, Doggy DeVito. And boy did this movie fail. Big time.
Sapphire: First, we have a bunch of bland, awkward, uninteresting characters. Then, we have a story we've seen a hundred million times. Then, we have a bunch of lousy jokes. None of these jokes make sense.
Gordon: Oh. And remember the guy who voiced Manic the Warthog? Well, he's in this movie, too.
Sapphire: And if that's not bad enough, he's actually the ONLY funny thing in the movie. As much as I hate to admit it, every scene with him made us laugh. Hard. Why? Well, I don't know, they gave him a good script with funny things to say and they made him do funny things. Anyway, he plays the villain's main sidekick.
Gordon: I guess Alex Barkwin and Denis Leashy get in a good performance but they never made us laugh. Everyone else certainly didn't either.
Sapphire: The animation in the film reminds me of Little Nero. It's very pretty and very nice-looking, but that's not enough to save the film. And again, the sidekick is funny, but even he's not enough to save the film either.
Gordon: Number 3...the remake of Ghost World. I got excited to see this because I love the original. The original's a classic. Directed by the world renowned Orson Wolf and starring Vincent Park. Even if you don't find it scary, it's a brilliant and very creative film that only gets better every time I see it.
Sapphire: But then, we saw the remake and we could see the first problem in the opening credits. The director. Michael Bark.
(Gordon groans and buries his face in his hand.)
Gordon: We then see our main hero, John Gallego, played by Kevin Barkin. And to be fair, he's not a bad replacement for Vincent Park. He does capture the spirit of an adventurousness thrill-seeker like the original.
John(TV): Come on. Don't you dream of better things? Getting out of your environment? Discovering new things? (low, soft voice) Getting dangerous?
Gordon(imitating Collie): I'm always ready for danger. Oh, yeah.
Sapphire: And like in the original, he hears rumors that ghosts are hanging out in an abandoned warehouse and decides to investigate. And what do you know? He stumbles upon Ghost World.
Gordon: In the original, Ghost World looked cool. It was bright, colorful, and I even wanted to hang out there. In the remake, it's all red. Why? Just some advice, shining a red light on something is not fun to look at.
Sapphire: Unless you're trying to create an uncomfortable atmosphere. Like whenever a big battle starts on screen, it turns red. There, it works. But Ghost World is supposed to be an attractive place. In the remake, it looks terrible.
Gordon: Also, the original had no real villain, it was just John slowly turning into a ghost the more he gives into the monster world. So, yeah, he's technically dying but some of the ghosts convince him that a ghost's life is better because he could have all the fun he wants. And we see John debate himself over which life would be better.
(The screen shows the original John at a mirror talking with his reflection to symbolize debating himself.)
Gordon: Here, this is an evil ruler who wants to turn other people into ghosts so he can take over the world.
Sapphire: Hello. I'm Sapphire here with Gordon.
Gordon: And today, we're bringing you the top 10 strangest, nuttiest and most wackiest flicks in cinema history.
Sapphire: So, what's number 10?
Gordon: Number 10: We're here: An Alien's Story.
Sapphire: What's the movie about, Gordy?
(The audience laughs.)
Sapphire: Well, I knew that. But, is there anything freaky besides the fact that the movie had aliens?
(The screen shows a character blow on her thumb on one hand and makes a radish appear in the other.)
Sapphire: (Shocked) What?! R-Radish?! I don't care what la-la land the writers were in. You cannot blow in your thumb and make a radish. How'd they even come to that? I guess so. What else is there?
Gordon: Well, the aliens are taken into a teleportation machine by a scientist and his talking rhinoceros named Rico. Oh, and he's also voiced by Jim Collie.
Scientist(TV): I am Dr. Presto, the inventor of this teleportation machine. I made this machine to help make children's dreams come true.
Sapphire: Teleport them to where? The land of milk and dog treats?
Scientist(TV): Oh and please beware of my older brother. He's criminally insane.
Sapphire: (Sarcastically) Oh, gee, I wonder why?
Gordon: Since much of the film is filler, we'll skip to the part where the aliens encounter Dr.Presto's brother, Zilch.
Zilch(TV): Welcome to my circus. Here, I have Stupid Juice. What does it do, you might ask? It will lower your IQ.
Gordon: You know, with that stuff, all the kids in the world would be too dumb to teach, so there'd be no school.
Sapphire: The aliens, however, were too smart for Zilch and foiled his plan to take them in for his circus. Then, this happens...
Zilch(TV): No! Please! Don't leave me alone! The vultures! They'll come to...
(Zilch emits a gasp as a swarm of vultures attack and devour him.)
Sapphire: That scene gave me nightmares. What's the ninth weirdest movie, Gordon?
Gordon: Number 9 is Remix the Tiger the movie.
Sapphire: Personally, I hate Remix the Tiger the movie. Gordy, tell the lovely audience why I hate Remix the Tiger the movie.
Gordon: Well, first of all, there are no likeable characters in the movie. Second of all, everything is random. Third, the film starts with some 3D, but everything else is 2D, so the 3D is completely pointless. Fourth, the main hero is a sadist.
(All except Sapphire and Gordon gasp in shock.)
Sapphire: You heard that right, everyone. Remix the Tiger is a sick freak. He stumbles upon a cemetery. He laughs, taunts the dead and actually kicks over a gravestone.
Gordon: Plus, it has all the same problems as The Mystical Cruise. But this film has one additional problem: the sound. The sound editing in the film is so bad that half of the time, you can't make out what the characters are saying.
(Gordon plays a scene showing the jumbled sound, music and dialogue, making it hard to understand the words.)
Gordon: So, yeah. Give The Mystical Cruise some credit. I could at least hear everything. Next one.
Sapphire: First, I want to point out that the songs in the film are pretty catchy so the movie may be worth them, but a lot of them have no purpose.
Gordon: All right, then. I'll check out the soundtrack sometime. Now for Number 8: Halloween is Finch Night or just Finch Night.
Sapphire: Since this is a Halloween special, it's perfect for this program.
Gordon: But, unfortunately, it's not really scary, it's actually really, really boring.
Sapphire: All the villagers are afraid of the Finch coming down from his mountain lair and into the neighborhood. So it's up to a little girl named Alexandra to stand up to the Finch and try to stall him.
Gordon: Why is he coming to town? Because the full moon is changing colors. Why's everyone afraid of him? Because...he's the Finch, I guess.
Sapphire: So, there's fault number 1: it makes no sense. Fault number 2: too much dialogue. Fault number 3: uninteresting characters. Fault number 4: a narrator.
Gordon: Unlike the narrator from Captain Canine faces the Music Monster, who has an annoying, high-pitched voice and hyperactivity, this narrator is dull and boring, just like the whole film. He actually sounds just as bored with this film as we are. But like the other narrator, he never stops talking.
Narrator(TV, in a dull voice): Then Alexandra said...
Alexandra(TV): Grandpa Isaiah?
Narrator(TV): And Grandpa Isaiah said...
Grandpa Isaiah(TV): Yes, Alexandra?
Narrator(TV): And Alexandra said...
Alexandra(TV): Call the Finch Alarm Building.
Narrator(TV): And Grandpa Isaiah said...
Grandpa Isaiah(TV): Excellent idea.
Narrator(TV): And Alexandra said...
(Sapphire stops the player.)
Sapphire: STOP TALKING! And cheer up. There's also this weird running gag with Alexandra and her hat.
Grandpa Isaiah(TV): You put your hat back on and face the facts, Alexandra.
Alexandra(TV): I can think better without my hat.
Finch(TV): OK, hat-head, you asked for it.
Sapphire: Now, let me ask a quick question. Does it really matter if she doesn't put her hat on? I don't know. I guess it doesn't.
Gordon: But, it really gets cool when the Finch opens up the Wagon of Woe and Alexandra encounters her worst fears as all the monsters inside sing this really cool song.
(The beginning of the song is played as Alexandra is surrounded by singing spooks.)
Sapphire: I'll admit, while this is pretty scary, it is a pretty good song. Don't you think so, Gordy?
Gordon: Sure is. And while the film is boring, it's nowhere near terrible. I personally like it and if you haven't seen it, check it out. Now for number 7: Plushie Pam and Peter: A Musical Odyssey.
Sapphire: Now, we know what you're thinking. How can a movie based on a pretty little doll possibly be weird? Well, just watch some of it.
(Just as they were about to show the footage…)
Antonio: (Screaming) NO!
(Everyone turns to Antonio, who has a scared look on his face.)
Gordon: Um… May we have Antonio come up on stage please?
(Antonio goes up on stage.)
Gordon: So, tell us, Antonio. Why don't you want me and Sapphire to show scenes from Plushie Pam and Peter: A Musical Odyssey?
Antonio: Well, you see, when I was a puppy, I saw this movie on DVD. What do I think of it? It's scary. The nonsensical imagery, the weird characters, the forgettable songs, tons of jump scares, and it caused me to have Pediophobia, which is a fear against dolls, and that is one of my phobias. The oddest parts are about a gooey creature called the Hoarder and this tiny character's head that inflates like a balloon whenever he laughs. However, I have to admit, even though it wasn't really a good movie and despite the fact that it was panned by critics and it was a huge flop at the box-office, it was certainly creative and there was actual effort put into it, like the Haunted Phonebooth, although the Haunted Phonebooth is better.
Sapphire: Well, thank you, Antonio, for your opinion on the movie.
(Antonio goes back to his seat.)
Sapphire: What's number six, Gordy?
Gordon: Number 6: The Loofabill Ovalshirt Movie.
Sapphire: Now, this is a pretty odd movie based on the Loofabill Ovalshirt TV show.
Gordon: And the characters are annoying as ever.
Sapphire: Not only are the characters as annoying as their TV series counterparts, but there are also weird stuff such as the two heroes getting... ahem... you know what after eating cotton candy, weird, crazy monsters, one of the characters flying without clothes on…
(The audience cringes and reacts in disgust.)
Sapphire: And a pointless cameo appearance by Dave Hackinkoff. Seriously? Do we really need Dave Hackinkoff in there?
Gordon: While the movie had a good plot and a great ending song, the rest is just craziness.
Sapphire: Number 5: The Rat in the Frat.
Gordon: Now that has got to be the most disturbing movie I have ever seen and that's saying a lot. I used to nightmares about a giant rat chasing me because of that movie. Whoever came up with an idea of making a live action film adapted from the book by Dr. Groose is nuttier than a squirrel.
Sapphire: Not to mention the fact that the make-up on Mutt Myers makes me physically sick to my stomach. And do you want to know what else is crazy? The fact that this movie can get away with putting a reference to Colossal Studios, jokes that are way too inappropriate for kids, and a dance club scene with Harris Dilton in this movie. Who's going to figure out those references or jokes? Nobody!
Gordon: Yeah, this movie is worse than the live action adaption of How the Finch Stole Easter. That movie was more loyal to the book and Jim Collie's makeup was pretty impressive. And it actually had a few funny scenes, so I give it credit for those. Is everybody ready for number 4?
Gordon: Number 4: The Falcon and the Firestone.
Sapphire: Now we know what you're thinking, how weird is the Falcon and the Firestone? Well, the acting isn't bad, but the animation is sloppy and the plot is all been there-done that. Not to mention that there have been some weird moments in this movie.
Gordon: Like the narrator. Yes, this movie has a narrator, as well. Actually, it has two narrators.
Sapphire: Can you imagine what that must have been like?
Gordon: (as a narrator) And so Henry set out to find a perfect engagement stone for Maria and then he...
Sapphire: (as a narrator) And then his evil rival showed up and...
Gordon: Hey, who's telling this story anyway?
Sapphire: Well, I thought I was.
Gordon: You couldn't read your way out of an instruction book.
Sapphire: Hey, them's fighting words.
Gordon(putting his fists up): Come over here, you meatsack!
(Gordon and Sapphire pretend to fight.)
Gordon: Yeah, that wouldn't end well. But I gotta say, out of all the bad films made by Dog Bluth, this one's the least bad. It almost works. In fact, it's still a pretty creative film.
Sapphire: For number 3, John and the Giant Plum.
Gordon: Oh no! Not another movie with a narrator in it!
Sapphire: This narrator has given the weirdest explanation of how John's parents died.
Narrator(TV): It was until an angry giraffe appeared out of nowhere and devoured John's poor parents.
(Sapphire and Gordon exchange shocked looks at each other.)
Sapphire and Gordon: WHAT?!
Sapphire: Since when do giraffes eat people?! Okay, there has to be an explanation behind this. My guess is that John's parents were assassinated by his evil god-parents and that the narrator was bribed to make up the story of John's parents getting eaten by a giraffe. That would make sense, don't you think?
Gordon: I think so. But no, we have to go through this nonsensical explanation. Later, John is given a potion that this weirdo says can make his life better. But what is it made from exactly?
Traveler(TV): 100 dung beetles boiled in the lava of Mt. St. Helens for two weeks. Then add the tail of a gecko, the feathers of a flamingo, the quills of a porcupine, the fins of a mackerel, the wings of a fly, the legs of a tarantula and a cup of salt.
Gordon and Sapphire(singing): And a lost lunch in a pear tree. (Normally) YUCK!
(The audience laughs.)
Gordon: After John accidentally spills the potion, the plum grows to the size of a house. Curious, he goes inside the plum and encounters a rag-tag group of butterflies.
Sapphire: And they all want to go where John wants to go.
Gordon: Now, to be fair, I'll give this film some artistic points and the film is pretty decent, but it's a shame the weird death and other random stuff ruined it, especially that stomach-turning description of that potion. Now, let's go into number 2.
Sapphire: For number 2, we have "The Vision before New Year's".
Gordon: This movie is directed by the well-known Kim Burlin. This is a pretty cool and creative film, but the opening is what gives it the spot on this list. Every other second, something is flying at you.
Sapphire: But despite the weird beginning, at least the rest of film can and will always be an enjoyable holiday Classic to watch. Now, we are down to the last film. Could this be the one movie that defies reality and logic as we know it?
Gordon: And the weirdest film of all time goes to... Any of the Ned movies. And mind you, this features the same guy who played the narrator from Captain Canine Faces the Music Monster. So no wonder it's weird.
Sapphire: The Three Ned movies star Silas Shawshank, who played the always irritating, high-pitched Ned Jugglejorn, the same internet idiot from Metube. Let me give you reasons why I hate these movies. One, the stories are too bizarre to comprehend. Two, nobody is likeable. Third, the songs, especially the opening song in the third Ned movie, were bad and sound like they were written by Arthur Sullivan's long lost tone death great-nephew. Finally, Ned Jugglejorn is very annoying, stupid, and he would not SHUT UP! This guy is so annoying, I get chronic headaches every time I hear him talk. I mean, if I ever meet this character, I'd kick him right in the...
(Everyone else gasps.)
Gordon: Sapphire, watch your language! This is a family show!
Sapphire: Oh, sorry. Anyway, if this doesn't define weird, I don't know what does. But I do hear that Ned's performer is actually a pretty intelligent and likable person with a very distinguished voice.
(Gamma lets out a loud "HA!", startling everyone else.)
Gamma: Allow me to refute that statement before we can conclude tonight's episode. Have you ever seen the last television series he did called "Alvin Alvin"? Yeah, he was completely unfunny and talentless on that show. At least he had the dignity to pack up and quit. You may argue that he is a smart and loveable individual, but I, for one, consider him to be one of the worst actors I have ever had the displeasure to live on the same planet with. In addition, the only people who are equally brain-dead as Silas is his fan base. I mean, if someone gives even constructed criticism towards that moron, those fan girls will go bananas and spew out death threats. How they ever manage to flunk English is beyond me. Thank you for your time.
Gordon: Okay...I also want to point out that Shawshank just came out of the closet, so I want to wish him luck. And those are the Top 10 Weirdest Movies of All Time. Next week, Captain Canine is going to guest star for Top 10 Dumbest Moments in the history of Captain Canine's career.
Gordon: OK, everyone, it's time to list the Top 10 Dumbest Moments in the history of Captain Canine's career.
Sapphire: And with us to look at the top ten stupidest moments are Captain Canine and the Puppy Cadets.
(Captain Canine and the Puppy Cadets enter.)
Captain Canine: It's a pleasure to be here.
Gordon: Number 10: One of Dana's lines from Razor Sharp. A dog named Dr. Chrome Dome is trying to steal the hair from all the creatures in the world. So while the heroes are discussing what their strategy is, Dana says this.
Dana: We could shave him.
(Gordon and Sapphire share confused looks.)
Gordon and Sapphire: What?
Gordon: Now, we all know that Dana's not very bright, but is she blind, too? Dr. Chrome Dome is a hairless dog! He has no hair!
Dana: Hey! Don't look at me! It's not like I wrote that stupid line.
Gordon: Well, to be fair I do think the line was supposed to add some irony and a bit of humor to the episode, but it just didn't.
Dana: Now I feel embarrassed to say that line.
Sapphire: Oh, don't worry, Dana, the writers just had a bad idea. Next number.
Gordon: Number 9: A scene from Dungeons and Doggies. This is one of the greatest episodes ever made. It was intense, exciting, bone-chilling, no pun there, and had some of the coolest settings ever. But then there's this scene that pretty much ruins everything. Glen and Gwen are trapped in a cage and a trapdoor is slowly opening up from under them. First of all: are you seriously telling me that you can't squeeze through those bars? You could drive an bulldozer through those huge gaps.
Gwen: Well, technically, that was my original idea, but the director told me that squeezing the bars would be too simplistic. So, blame the director, not me or Glen. Right, Glen?
Gordon: Oh, well, then that's kind of understandable. But here's the second thing: when the Captain lets them out, the cage's door WASN'T EVEN LOCKED!
Captain Canine: Again, blame the director for not putting the lock on the cage, not us. And just to let you know, that episode was the directed by the same clown who directed "Mediterranean Manic", an episode of the Odyssies of Manic the Warthog. But I do have to give him credit for the rest of the episode because everything else was pretty good.
Sapphire: Okay, let's get down to number 8. Tandy and Dana's embarrassing date in Love is in Kildare. So, Tandy and Dana went on a date at Kildare's seafood restaurant.
Gordon: And boy was it not only dumb, it was...
Gordon and Sapphire: (Singsong) Awkward.
Tandy: Well, my date would have been romantic if that director didn't tell Dana to eat her food with her toes.
Dana: Why does the director always make me do the stupid things? It's embarrassing. Dumbo eats with his feet and you're okay with it. But when I eat with my feet, I feel like the director exploited my non-existing eating habits.
Gordon: And now, we have number 7, Captain Canine forgetting to wear his belt in A Step in Time. What can be more embarrassing for the dog crusader?
Sapphire: While battling Mr. Kronos, Captain Canine's pants fell down. I'm just glad he was wearing clean underpants.
Captain Canine: But it was still embarrassing.
Gordon: But watch what the Captain does right after he drops his pants.
(On the screen, Captain Canine quickly pulls his pants and looks around to make sure nobody sees him while repeatedly opening and closing his mouth for some reason.)
Gordon(laughing): What is he doing with his lips? What? Did he turn into Flask from the Puppets for a second?
(The scene repeats while Gordon imitates Flask's meeps.)
Gordon: Moving on. Number 6: Dana seen sleeping with her teddy bear in Teddy Bear Blues.
Dana: Hey, I have trouble sleeping. Besides, no one was supposed to know that.
Sapphire: We're sorry about that. So, Gordy, what's number five?
Gordon: Number 5: The Chicken song from Cock-a-Doodle Dummies.
Sapphire: This takes place when the Captain and his team are forced to do a ridiculous song and dance in order for a chicken to give them their keys back. The worst part is that they cluck the whole song.
Judy: Well, you can blame the song writer for suggesting the idea, not us.
Gordon: Oh well. Number 4: The Metallic Monster's minions from Metal on Mars. Boy, are these two annoying! Especially their voices.
Sapphire: They're as equivalent as Doctor Bubonik's henchmen from The Odyssies of Manic the Warthog! In fact, I think they're related.
Judy: Good thing they were one-time characters.
Sapphire: How do we describe their voices? Well, you ever tell your story and you're trying to make the other people sound really irritating? It's kinda like this. (stuffy voice) So, I'm sitting there, just talking with my friend when suddenly the teacher comes in and is like (high, scratchy voice) "What are you doing here?! Aren't you supposed to be in class?!" (stuffy again) And then my idiot friend is like (low, dopey voice) "Duh, I don't know. I though it started tomorrow."
Gordon: Is everybody ready for number three?
Sapphire: Number 3: Glen and Gwen's fishing trip. In Glen and Gwen's Underwater Adventure, Glen and Gwen go on their fishing trip.
Gordon: These two are wizards at inventing, but they are clowns at fishing.
Gwen: Now you know why I vowed never to go fishing again. Right, Glen?
(Glen nods in agreement.)
Gordon: But I do have to admit that the scene did provide a few good laughs. I especially loved it when they accidentally hooked each other's hats as they cast their lines.
Sapphire: Yeah, that was pretty funny. And now for number two: The Captain goes Commando.
Gordon: First, I just want to make one thing perfectly clear. I love this episode. But it's stupid as heck. In fact, it's probably the show's stupidest episode. But I just love it. In fact, everyone seems to love it despite how stupid it is.
Sapphire: I know I do. Anyway, two scenes really stand out. First, right before a car chase scene, the Captain, for some reason, tears out the front passenger seat and then gets in.
(The Captain gets in a car with no front passenger seat, making him look like a small child. The audience laughs.)
Gordon(laughing): That doesn't look silly at all, does it? (imitating the Captain) Mommy, I want some ice cream and I want it now! Now, now, now, now, now!
Sapphire: (Laughing hysterically) Oh yeah! I remember that scene. (stops laughing) The next is when the Captain and the leader of the Black Hood Gang are firing their blasters at each other. And they actually take turns shooting.
(The Captain pretends to shoot his blaster at Gordon.)
Captain Canine: Your turn.
(Gordon pretends to fire at the Captain.)
Gordon: Your turn.
Gordon: So, this is the show's stupidest episode. But that makes it one of the funniest. And I just love it for that. So, let's thank the studio for "The Captain goes Commando", the hilariously stupid episode. Okay, everybody. Here comes number one of the most dumbest moment in Captain Canine's career. Is everybody ready?
Gordon: The number one dumbest moment in Captain Canine history is the opening to The Pug's Playhouse.
Captain Canine: Now, how can you describe the opening to The Pug's Playhouse?
Gordon: Well, the episode starts in the jungle and at first, it's kind of relaxing. The music is very soft and calm and nothing's really happening. We also get a glimpse of one of the most beautiful settings in cinema history. But just as you're starting to relax...
Sapphire: Palooka Pug, the craziest villain in Captain Canine's career, gives us a jump scare.
Gordon: Then, he sings this crazy song and everything in the house starts talking except the floor. And the singers sound like they just sucked in all the helium in the world.
Solar Ray: That opening scarred me for life and I just joined the Puppy Cadets.
Captain Canine: I demanded that the writers should scrap that scene, but they wouldn't listen.
Gordon: And those are the Top 10 Dumbest Captain Canine Moments. I want to thank the Cap and the Puppy Cadets for appearing with us. Until then, I'm Gordon Kirby....
Sapphire: And I'm Sapphire Trueblood.
Both: Thanks for watching.
(Both bow as the audience cheers.)
Next Episode Preview
Bartrand: Howdy, everybody! Next week on the Pound Puppies Show, we're looking for Scrounger, Slick, and Scooper while we're in Spain. And later, to celebrate me getting married to Spats, most of my friends and I are going to Indiana Beach. Stay tuned next time for Scrounger in Spain/Shine on, Honeymoon. Happy Trails!
Japanese Opening Title
Gordon and Sapphire are looking at a top ten list as the subtitles read "Top Ten Triple Feature! Gordon and Sapphire Are Looking For Number One".