Gordon and Sapphire: The Unreviewables is a fan made episode written by Disneydude15, Rigsrigsrigs10918, Kosh Naranek and Cartoonlover.
Gordon and Sapphire are called to review movies they originally said they would not review.
(Gordon and Sapphire are preparing to review The Puppet Adventure.)
Sapphire: Ready, Gordy?
(Cooler enters with a letter.)
Cooler: Letter for you two.
(Gordon grabs the letter.)
Cooler: I'm looking forward to your show today.
Gordon: Hey, Sapphy, listen to this. Our fans want us to review all the films we said we wouldn't review we mentioned at the Review Olympics. They also want us to look the movies mentioned by Wayne's team.
Sapphire: Well, since we were going to review The Puppet Adventure, why not?
Gordon: Yeah. I'll get the projector.
Sapphire: I'll get the movies.
(Later, Gordon and Sapphire are on stage with the projector.)
Gordon: Welcome, everyone. I'm Gordon Kirby...
Sapphire: And I'm Sapphire Trueblood. As you may recall, we won the Review Olympics a few weeks ago. Now, one of the topics was the top 5 films that we would NOT do a review on. But as a result of fan mail, today we're bringing you those reviews along with the top five movies that our opposing team, Team Wolfard would not review.
Gordon: So, let's get started. First, we have The Beyond. To start, I have to say that I like this movie.
Sapphire: This is an interesting movie. It's basically an adventure film. But we don't mind as long as it's done well. And this movie is done very well. But it does have a lot of flaws.
Gordon: This movie stars Hairyson Ford as the main protagonist. And he is one of the things that's wrong with the film. While I can't say his performance is terrible, he is straight-up boring.
Sapphire: On top of that, the editing isn't very consistent.
Gordon: This is the kind of film where you can tell they're trying. Kind of like Jasper. But while that film didn't quite pan out, this film pans out. But in SOME areas.
Sapphire: But I think the biggest problem is the pace. This film moves way too slow. Right away, you just the movie to get on to the point.
Gordon: OK, so with the bad stuff out of the way, let's talk about the good stuff. Because there's a lot.
Sapphire: The only actor that can save the movie is Tom Shanks. While he's more of a side character, he still does good. But, how good are the special effects?
Gordon: Pretty darn impressive, I must say.
Sapphire: It even leaves room for some comedy.
Gordon: And now, here is another movie you'll like: Down Under in the Land Down Under featuring Kevin Barkin, Christopher Barken, Neil Patrick Hairy and Eliza Hood.
Sapphire: One downside is the bad jokes. The other is...well, watch.
(Sapphire plays a clip of the Kevin Barkin character talking while using an Australian accent badly. Gordon and Sapphire start sputtering with laughter.)
Sapphire(laughing): That accent is pitiful!
Gordon: Yeah! How can you take him seriously with that goofy accent? I could make fun of that forever.
(The two stop laughing.)
Gordon: OK, now for the good stuff. First thing, it's a gorgeous film. Look at that scenery.
Sapphire: I've never been to Australia, but this film really makes me want to.
Gordon: The other saving grace is the villains. Christopher Barken, Neil Patrick Hairy and Eliza Hood are downright hilarious! Every scene with them makes me laugh and makes me laugh hard.
Gordon: Now, Commander Universe: the Movie. As we stated before, Commander Universe is one of the stupidest TV shows ever made. I mean, I sort of respect it for the environmental messages it's trying to get across, but do they have to shove them down our throats? On top of that, the characters are annoying, the stories are repetitive, the animation is sloppy and everything is way too overblown, especially the villains. This is the show that will make you HATE the environment altogether. The only cool thing in the show was the rings.
Sapphire: But we can't be too harsh on the film because it has some good stuff. Like the animation.
Gordon: Yeah. The animation is WAY better here.
Sapphire: On top of that, the main team on the show has a new member, Joey the Australian outback ranger who has the power of light. And surprisingly, he's the only character we found ourselves actually genuinely liking in the whole film. He served as the comic relief like the American kid, Keith. But while Keith made me want to punch him, Joey actually got some laughs. On top of that, he was brave, clever, and very likeable. (Lowly) Unlike the rest of the team.
Joey(TV): You heard about the invisible man who married an invisible woman? The kids were nothing to look at either.
(The audience laughs.)
Sapphire: That is hilarious. You know, he could give Kevin Barkin some tips on how to use an Australian accent. On top of that, when he needed to, he could be tough and intimidating.
Joey(TV, holding a large knife to a thug): Don't push your luck with me, mate.
Gordon: And while Keith is annoying, the romance between him and the Russian girl, Malvina, does seem very genuine. I'll admit that deep down I was sort of rooting for them to get together and I'm glad they did. And there's a lot of powerful moments in the movie.
Sapphire: Look at this scene where Joey finds that the town he grew up in has been destroyed and all of his family and friends have been wiped out.
(Gordon plays the scene. The team walks through the ruined town. The African-American kid, Imamu, hands Joey his father's fedora. Joey stares at it in shock and disbelief as the reality sinks in. Once it does, Joey's face falls, he hugs the fedora close to himself and then slowly and silently walks away to be alone.)
Sapphire: This scene got me teary-eyed. That performance is so good you actually feel the pain he's going through. On top of that, I like the subtlety of the scene. And I will admit that even in the show, I did like the South American kid, Pablo. He was pretty likeable even if his power is kind of lame.
Gordon: Still, like the show, the film is preachy, childish and constantly hammers at it's message. And the African kid, Imamu, and the Asian girl, Hae, are pretty bland. On top of that, there are a lot of scenes that are just POINTLESS. Look at this.
(The screen shows the team sitting around a campfire, roasting food and no speaking Some open their mouth to say something, but then pull back.)
Gordon: Where's the story? Did they just leave the camera on while they're having a cookout and a no-talking contest?
Sapphire: I like quiet moments in films, but this goes on for two minutes. Couldn't they have done something important here? Talked about something? Build character?
Gordon: So, yeah. The film is bad, but we give it credit for Joey, some touching moments, and the improved animation. Everyone ready for the next film?
Sapphire: Okay. Next is Jason and Mason, starring Dog Walker himself along with his brother Ruff Walker as two amateur super-villains.
Gordon: Who would have known that this film would star the co-star of the Walker and Ruff Show? Anyway, this is a great comedy film.
Sapphire: The likely reason is because the Walker brothers stole the show. And the slapstick is great.
Gordon: It's like Stupid and Stupider but with some intelligence and Biosphere but with real humor.
Sapphire: Next film is Young Detective Gizmo... after we take a break.
Gordon: And now, we have Young Detective Gizmo, starring the infamous Silas Shawshank.
Sapphire: And we can safely say we were pretty impressed by this film.
Gamma: Now, wait a....
Cooler: Gamma, you are going to drop your hate and sit through this or you'll have to leave the Pound!
(Gamma grouchily sits down and crosses his arms.)
Gordon: Besides, I have to say, Shawshank has a good character, but most of the time, he just stands around with his arms folded and observes. On top of that, he barely says anything. He only has six lines. But he doesn't SAY them. He whispers every line. Watch and listen.
(Gordon plays the scenes with Shawshank whispering his lines with a low, soft voice.)
Detecive Gizmo(TV): Made two of 'em.
Gizmo(TV): Polly, to the lab.
Gizmo(TV): (shaking hands) I'm Detective Gizmo.
Gizmo(TV): I don't think so.
Gizmo(TV): Save your breath, Fang.
Gizmo(TV): They never learn.
Sapphire: Ooh. That voices chills me.
Gordon: And I will give him credit because his performance is actually pretty good. You know, it's funny. After Alvin Alvin and Ned, it's like he's on an upward spiral. First, he was in The Quest of Remix the Tiger, which was a really good movie, and now this. Usually, actors have a downward spiral after a few movies. That doesn't make him good, but I'll keep my eye on him.
Sapphire: Overall, the film is nice. It's faithful to the show, though some chances were taken, it's got some good special effects, decent performances and a cool setting. It's certainly a lot better than the other movie. If you're wondering why it wasn't on our Top 5 Redeeming Movies list, it's because this came out before the movie with Mutthew Barkderick and Rupert Dog Niro.
Gamma: Are you done yet?
Cooler: Gamma, drop your hate.
Gamma: Hold on, Cooler. Didn't you hate Silas Shawshank as well?
Cooler: No. I may not like some of his material, but I don't hate him. Now, let it go or you're out of here.
Gamma: (Yelling) ALL RIGHT! I'LL LET IT GO! YA HAPPY?!
Cooler: Speak to me like that again and you are through.
(Gordon, Sapphire and the rest of the audience except Holly look on in awkward silence. Gamma then notices it and sits down with a look of defeat on his face.)
Gordon: Okay... Moving on.
Sapphire: Now, here is another treat. Birds Don't Sing. Like we said before, we're impressed by the animation.
Gordon: The only real problem is the main character played by Paul Ruff.
Sapphire: He looks and acts kinda bland and generic.
Gordon: Sorry, but he is just not memorable. The villain however, is a lot of fun. I just love how over-the-top he is.
(Gordon plays scenes with the villain.)
Villain: You stupid gritgarki!
Villain: Watch it, lubergouter!
Villain: That meddling krinkscruw!
Gordon: Oh, shut up, you popfargle. See? I can make up words, too.
(The audience laughs.)
Sapphire: Yeah. What's next?
Gordon: The Love Doves movies.
Sapphire: What can we say about these movies?
Gordon: Well, like you said before, they're way too cutesy and bland for my tastes.
Sapphire: But then again, they're kid's movies. And as far as they go, there's nothing really bad in it for them. They're just dull and forgettable. However, the first two have good villains and the third has this rapping lizard which was really cool.
Gordon: Now, The Robber and the Tailor. One of the weirdest films ever.
Sapphire: As we mentioned before, this film took DECADES to be developed.
Gordon: There are also four versions of it. While we don't think any of them are terrible, they're not very strong either.
Sapphire: All of them have very impressive animation and great visuals as well as a really cool chase scene, but each version should have done better with the plot and character development. And do we even need to discuss the names?
Gordon: Well, if you think the names in The Robber and the Tailor are weird, stay tuned for our next review.
Sapphire: We'll be right back.
(Gordon and Sapphire walk off stage.)
(Gordon and Sapphire are back on stage.)
Gordon: We're back.
Sapphire: Now, here's a film we've talked a lot about. A spin-off film that we feel redeems one of the worst ever made, but doesn't provide much. We are of course speaking of The Music Box Kids.
Gordon: It's good to see a cleaner version of a terrible movie every now and then. But after we saw it, we didn't feel like we learned anything new. We didn't lose anything, but we didn't gain anything either.
Sapphire: So, first let's about the good stuff. Because there's a lot.
Gordon: First, the mixing of animation with live-action. It kinda reminds me of Who Bamboozled Henry Hare, only that movie is better.
Sapphire: Next, the setting. Memphis, Tennessee. Most of the movie's music is rock, so why not have it take place in the city it was born in?
Gordon: Also, we like the fact that there's no real villain. It's just life. Except for the cartoon kids running around with instruments.
Sapphire: Overall, there's actually nothing interesting to talk about within this movie.
Gordon: Yeah. The characters aren't bad, but we've just seen them before. I mean, the kids themselves are pretty creative. Guitar Greg, Fiddle Frieda, Danny Drummer, the list goes on. But Guitar Greg, the band leader, is just sort of your typical nice but firm leader.
Sapphire: The other kids don't have that much personality. They just crack jokes, offer advice and play songs.
Gordon: On top of that, the morals have been heard before.
Sapphire: Been there, done that, wash, rinse, repeat. But the film's not bad. We just don't feel it provided much for a review. So, everyone ready for the last review?
Sapphire: All right. Tell 'em what it is, Gordy.
Gordon: The movie that we saved for last is The Puppet Adventure. The very first film we've reviewed with puppets.
Sapphire: Before we start, we want to point out that this film is on our favorites list. Why is that, you might ask?
Gordon: One of those reasons is the main character.
Sapphire: The only thing that's kinda dumb is his name. Watch.
(Gordon and Sapphire play a scene on the projector.)
Store Clerk(on screen): Sign here, please.
(The puppet character signs his name on a receipt. The clerk picks up the receipt and reads the name, which says "Puppet".)
Clerk: OK, now what's your name?
Clerk: No, what's your name?
Gordon(to the screen): We know you're a puppet, but what's your name?
Puppet: My name is Puppet.
Sapphire: Are you kidding me? That has to be the laziest and most uncreative name ever. I know it was for laughs and it did lead to a funny scene, but, come on, you gotta be more creative than that.
Gordon: But despite that, Puppet's a pretty fun character.
Sapphire: I agree. Not only is he cute, but he's kind, funny, clever, optimistic, adventurous and he sings one of greatest songs of all time: "Road to Nowhere".
(Sapphire plays a clip of Puppet singing "Road to Nowhere". She and Gordon then start dancing in their chairs.)
Gordon: I could listen to this song forever.
Sapphire: Me too. But that's not all the good stuff. Tom Shanks is in the movie, too. He plays a villain who both intimidated me and had me laughing on the floor.
Gordon: True. That just shows you how talented Tom Shanks is. He can by funny and threatening.
Sapphire: Apparently, he's got this ray that will make people bow to his every will. But he needs a special diamond to power it. And the diamond is in Puppet's pocket watch.
Gordon: But thankfully, the villain never did get the diamond.
Sapphire: But it does lead to one of my favorite lines. Listen.
Tom Shanks(TV): (soft, growling voice) Get me that puppet.
Sapphire:(imitating Shanks, growls) Puppet.
Gordon: Gives me goosebumps.
Sapphire: Think that gives you goosebumps. Watch this scene.
(The screen shows the Tom Shanks character watching the puppet and then taking a bite of bacon bar while wearing a sinister expression.)
Sapphire: Wow. No one can eat a bacon bar so devilishly.
Gordon: Another example of Tom Shanks' talent. That scene could make anything sinister.
Sapphire: Also, watch this scene where Puppet enters an amusement park to take a break.
Ticket Vendor(TV): All right, here's your tickets. And your maps, credit cards, stickers, tap shoes, comb, bubble gum, ascot, coffee mug, clarinet, lantern, sunscreen, baseball cards, pith helmet, band aids, flashlight, snorkel, harmonica, box of markers, candy canes, maracas, compass, tin whistle, juice boxes, toothbrush, a basketball, bongos, and sunglasses. Enjoy your stay.
Sapphire: I wish I got all that neat stuff when I went to an amusement park.
Gordon: Me, too. But here's one scene I just don't get. Here, Puppet is watching the henchmen from the top of a mesa. Look.
(Gordon plays the scene with Puppet on a mesa watching the henchmen, who appear to be exercising.)
Gordon: Uh, what are they doing down there?
Sapphire: I don't know. Maybe they had some free time and decided to try out for an exercise video.
Gordon: Well, that's not important. But here's another I love to make fun of. At the amusement park, Puppet puts on a disguise to avoid the henchmen. Look at him.
(Gordon plays a scene with a poorly-disguised Puppet in the park wearing just the sunglasses he got from the vendor.)
Sapphire: (sarcastically while giving a thumbs up) Nice disguise, Puppet.
Gordon: Yeah. Real convincing. But again, not important. This is still a great film, apart from those dopey moments.
Sapphire: That's common for movies these days. They can get silly sometimes, but they do their job well. And this film is no exception.
Gordon: I'll say. The characters are memorable, the acting is great, the songs are a joy to listen to and it's a nice adventure.
Sapphire: If you're really curious about The Puppet Adventure, check it out. You'll be glad you did.
Gordon: And those are our reviews for the day. Thanks for joining us. I'm Gordon Kirby....
Sapphire: And I'm Sapphire Trueblood.
Both: And we'll see you folks next week.
(Both bow as the audience applauds. Later, Gordon and Sapphire are backstage.)
Gordon: Well, that show's over. What do you wanna do?
Sapphire: Wanna watch The Puppet Adventure?
Gordon: Yeah. I love that movie.
Sapphire: After that, I'd like to look at this movie called The Dungeon.
Gordon: Well, then, let's get started.